PPA: Postpartum Anxiety
PPD: Postpartum Depression
These are two terms that every woman hears at some point in their pregnancy but is never truly educated on.
Warning: This will be a longer post than usual.
If you are at least 20 years old, you know what anxiety and/or depression is and have probably experienced it to some capacity (whether it be personally or someone close to you) and have an idea of what they appear as. The comorbidity between the two disorders is pretty prevalent, so it is quite common for the symptoms of one to portray as symptoms of the other. This is why most SSRIs and SNRIs treat both disorders, with certain medications favoring one over the other. It is truly a balancing act and often takes several tries with different medications/doses before finding the right one. It can be a very stressful and exhausting process for some.
However, PPA and PPD can manifest differently than the anxiety/depression disorders we are used to hearing about. Most of the time, women are experiencing symptoms of this way before realizing what is happening. And it doesn't always happen right away. Sometimes it can begin months after delivery.
Myself personally, I have dealt with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I dealt with it as best as I could on my own but a few years ago, I'd realized with the stress I was under (I was in graduate school at the time) that I needed help. Long story short, we went through numerous medications and finally found one that helped some but it could not get me to the point where I could both focus on my studies and feel mentally stable. To be fair, I also didn't have health insurance at the time. So I took myself off of my medication and have been "handling" it on my own. Luckily, I have a very supportive fiancé (who was my best friend at the time) who has been amazing at keeping an eye on me and checks in with me frequently. We have learned to manage my symptoms and communicate regularly to make sure I'm feeling okay.
Almost immediately after giving birth to Benjamin (while still in the hospital), I noticed that I was dealing with postpartum anxiety. I have been an anxious person since I was a toddler, so this didn't come as a surprise to me. Luckily, I am a stay-at-home mom and can obsessively tend to my son in whatever way I feel necessary. But some of the symptoms I deal with regularly are:
Constantly worrying
Unable to concentrate on one specific task at a time
Barely sleeping
Lack of appetite
Extremely stressed & uncomfortable leaving baby with anyone (even dad)
Phantom cries
Can't even take a shower without obsessively watching the monitor
While I won't say it's completely abnormal to worry about or obsess over your child - especially if you are with them all day every day - I do acknowledge that it is something to pay attention to and try to adjust slowly (as I feel comfortable, of course). Eventually I will let someone watch Benjamin so my fiancé can have some one-on-one time with me. Eventually I will be able to sleep through the night knowing that my son will not stop breathing. Heck, eventually I will be able to relax and enjoy my showers! But that day is not today and I accept that.
Something I did not anticipate was dealing with postpartum depression. Yes I have been dealing with depression for a long time, however, it seemed to be more situational (I had been in an unhealthy relationship that definitely took a toll on my mental health for almost a decade) and I've felt like it has been under control. About two months after delivery, I started to notice myself snapping at my fiancé often. In addition to that, I felt like I was always in a crabby mood. I chalked it up to lack of sleep and my hormones trying to regulate, and figured it would level out soon enough. It wasn't until around 4 months postpartum that I really started to connect it all.
Mind you, I have not been dealing with thoughts of self-harm or wanting to hurt Benjamin in any way (thank God). I'm not dealing with regret or second thoughts about raising a child. My PPD manifested in a way that was quite sneaky for someone who is very familiar with the typical depression signs. First of all, I had no idea that PPD could start months later. In fact, research shows that postpartum depression can develop anytime within the first twelve months. It wasn't until a few days ago that I started putting all the pieces together about why I just wasn't quite myself. I'll tell you a little bit about how my depression has developed.
Irritability. Boy, have I been irritable. My poor fiancé never knows what he is walking into when he comes home from a long day of work. Or what he is waking up to first thing in the morning. I feel like lately he has had to tiptoe around me, trying to just stay out of my way and do what he thinks I want him to do without asking (which usually I would be so appreciative of). And I feel like a crazy person constantly telling myself "don't say anything, he's doing the best he can" or "he didn't do anything wrong, just let it go". Neither of us is perfect but pre-pregnancy, it was honestly hard to find something to argue about. And while raising a baby changes that - it shouldn't change it this much.
Mood swings. Back to that feeling crazy thing. I would be sitting on the couch, scrolling through instagram, and all of a sudden start crying. I'm not talking a few tears... I'm talking bawling. Don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you. The mood swings also came along with the above-mentioned irritability. I would go from happy to annoyed in about two seconds. Also being trapped at home alone with a four-month-old dinosaur screaming at me all day (he has definitely found his voice) doesn't help with the psyche. Don't get me wrong - I love being a stay at home mom. This has been everything I dreamed about. But between the weather, a pandemic, and being so far away from family - it is still pretty rough at times.
Lack of interest in anything. While there is not much that I can do these days, I still use to have fun activities to entertain myself. James and I both love playing computer games together, or even just watching a tv show together for an hour or two before bed. Lately, all I've wanted to do in the evenings is go to bed. Which makes me feel awful because going to bed early means I will have only spent an hour or two total with my fiancé that day. I haven't wanted to go for walks around the block, finding the motivation to even put clothes on is hard (and usually only happens once Benjamin has spit up on me), and don't ask me the last time I played one of my musical instruments for pleasure. Even playing with my son can be overwhelming, his need for my constant attention at all times. But I know how important one-on-one interaction is for his development. It's just tiring, and I'm tired of being tired.
No sex drive. This is obviously a more personal topic but I feel like it is important to address, in case there is anyone else out there in the same boat as I am. Since having my son, I have had practically no desire to have sex. For some, it is completely normal for their sex drive to decrease postpartum (tired, healing, anxious, etc) but if I'm being frank - I went from wanting intercourse every day to not wanting it at all. And that is not okay. Of course I happily do because I love my fiancé and he deserves it, but it happens out of commitment and not out of pleasure. Maybe when we're ten years into marriage that would be okay... but not now. I want my partner to feel attractive, and desired, and loved. If I'm being honest, this is how I knew that something wasn't quite right with me.
So for all you mamas out there who just feel "off" and don't know what is wrong with you...
First of all, nothing is wrong with you. You created life, you are raising another human being, and you are doing a FANTASTIC job.
Second, postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression come in all shapes and forms. It will never look the same for everyone. And it can come months later, when you least expect it.
Lastly, you are not alone. And you are not crazy. Hang in there, seek help, and stay in tune with your body (this is where that self-care really comes into play).
And when you're feeling down, just take a look at that precious miracle you created.
Hold them tight. And take a deep breath.
♡♡♡
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