I know two years old is typically what we refer to when talking about the terrible twos but I'm going to go ahead and borrow that one for my wonderful two-week-old baby boy. And while I use the word "terrible", please know that I am absolutely in love with my son and would not trade being his mama for anything in the world. But with that being said, man has it been rough.
In my last post I talked about the woes of breastfeeding and how I'm trying to be a "good mom" and give him breastmilk for as long as possible, because that's what society tells us we should do. Well ironically enough, shortly after making that post my baby boy decided it was time for his first growth spurt and my milk supply decided it was time to dry out. Looking at this beautiful two-week-old, you would never have guessed that we were having trouble getting him to eat enough to void back when he was in the hospital. When I tell you our little one is eating so much, I am not exaggerating even in the slightest. In the past 3 to 4 days, Benjamin went from drinking 3 oz every 2-3 hours to drinking at least 4 oz every 1-2 hours. I honestly lost track of how much he'd eat throughout the day, because I'd be topping off his bottle too frequently to count.
The first two days of this growth spurt, it felt like every hour (both day and night) I was feeding him. And when I wasn't feeding him I was pumping. I somehow fit in time to clean bottles and my pumping equipment but I felt like a cow, in every possible way; except cows probably get more sleep than I was getting. I was tired and grumpy, my fiancé was tired and grumpy, and our little man was tired and HANGRY. You see, while it's great that his appetite increased (a growing boy means a healthy boy)... it was getting in the way of his sleep: and sleep is extremely important for newborns. So not only was he hungry, but he so was overly exhausted from lack of sleep that he was super fussy. All. The. Time. So when I wasn't doing anything milk-related, I was holding my adorable but very fussy baby in my arms until he'd fall asleep. It was exhausting.
On top of being exhausted, my milk supply was running low. I'm not exactly sure why but all I knew was that my son needed more milk than I was making. And at two weeks old, my baby boy started drinking formula. While I know I wrote in my last post about everyone having a different timeline for switching from breastmilk to formula - as well as my secret desires for wanting to quit pumping already - I never thought that I'd be giving my baby boy formula at two weeks old. But what was I supposed to do? We'd gone through all my stored milk in the fridge and even tapped into the ones in the freezer, and my little man was screaming from hunger. I had a can of formula that was mailed to me during my pregnancy sitting on my counter. The decision was simple - Benjamin was hungry and he needed to eat. And guess what? The kid didn't notice a difference, he made a mess in his diaper(s) as usual, and he slept like a baby (literally). So for two days, we fed him breastmilk during the day and formula throughout the night. Not only did the formula satisfy his appetite, but it seemed to also hold him over a tad longer at night. It was wonderful.
Since starting to supplement with formula, my milk supply has picked up again. But my baby's appetite has also continued to increase. So, could I go back to a breastmilk-only diet for him? Probably, at least for now. But what I've realized is I don't have to if I don't want to. The formula is just as healthy for my little man as my breastmilk is. It even has more vitamins in it. So why should I kill myself to pump over and over again, measuring every ounce in hopes that I have enough, when I can have formula as my backup without worry? Or even just switch to formula altogether? If there is one thing I've learned throughout the years it is the importance of mental health - and the old saying of "Breast is Best" does nothing but make mothers feel like failures when the breast isn't best for them.
When I first starting thinking about switching to formula (or even just supplementing), my biggest concern was what my fiancé would think. Would he think I am less of a mother for not wanting to continue to supply breastmilk? Would he think I'm hurting my son or withholding vital nutrients from him? Would he think I'm lazy or selfish and not cut out for this mom-life? And, while I've since then had several conversations with him and have learned that he is more than supportive of any decisions I make, the truth is this: he's not the one with the boobs. He's not the one dealing with the physical and mental effects of pumping/breastfeeding.
You are the only person who can make this decision, because you are the person who it affects.
Do not let anyone - regardless of who they are or what they mean to you - guilt you for whatever decision you make when it comes to feeding your child. And don't guilt yourself either. The most important thing is that your child is loved, your child is fed, and your child is healthy. And only you know what is best for your little one (which btw includes having a happy and healthy mama).
So... will I switch to formula? We haven't decided yet. But one thing that I have decided is to stop thinking that this switch would be anything negative. And I hope if you're a mama struggling with this, that you'd consider changing your mindset on this too. Society has tricked us into thinking this way, and we need to do something about that. Our time is valuable, our mental health is important, and our happiness is key. If you want to be a good mama, take care of yourself: your little one needs you!
I know this was another post about breastmilk and formula, but it's a subject that so many women silently stress about. It's one that needs to be talked about more. Women need to be supported and lifted up by other women, and I feel lucky to have such a strong group of women in my corner. If you don't have any in yours, know that you at least have me. :)
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