I can't count the amount of times I've heard of married couples who had children as a means to "save the marriage" and it makes me wonder... were they trying to end the marriage or did they really think that adding the responsibility of a child into the mix would fix things? Man, my fiancé and I are madly in love and having a one-month-old still puts a strain on our relationship time to time.
Don't get me wrong, I love my son with every ounce of my being and wouldn't change a single thing about my little family. But real talk? Being a new parent is not easy by any means. The strain that is placed on a family when a newborn comes into play is quite intense at times: emotionally, physically, and financially.
When James and I found out I was pregnant, we immediately started setting money aside and he started taking any and all job opportunities. Note: We found out we were pregnant at the beginning of March, a week before this global pandemic became an official threat to the US. It didn't help that I'm in an enormous amount of student loan debt from graduate school, James is a sound engineer in a time where there is little to no live music in the world, and let's just say that we don't exactly bring home oodles of money with our jobs at a local music store. Luckily, we were able to set aside enough money for us to sit comfortably while I stay home with our little one. With that being said... that money is running out and my plan of working part-time from home will be just enough for two weeks of groceries. We try to not talk about money too much, but we both know the situation and are both very aware of our slowly depleting bank accounts. So yeah, financial stress is a thing.
Aside from the financial stress, add on the above-mentioned statement of my wonderful fiancé taking on as much work as possible to get supplemental money in our wallets. Sounds super sweet and supportive right? Good, because it is. HOWEVER, the more he works... the less he is home to help me. James works extremely hard so I can focus on taking care of our little one, and I am so incredibly appreciative of that. But I won't deny the frustration that floods over me when I'm home alone all day, carrying around a one-month-old constantly who screams at me if I dare put him down for 30 seconds to take a bite of my food that's been sitting next to me for 2 hours, uneaten. Or, you know, use the bathroom. Everyone knows that the most heartbreaking sound is the sound of a baby crying; it's even worse when it's your baby and you are the reason they are crying (how dare you try to relieve your arm muscles for just a moment!!!).
After a long day of feeling like a single parent, when my fiancé comes home of course I want to throw my son at him and go take a hot shower to have just one moment to myself. But I also know that he had a long day of feeling like the only person bringing in money, and now he has to cook dinner so his exhausted fiancé doesn't die from malnutrition. So, two exhausted individuals, continue to "work" in some capacity at home. We spend time together but in reality, our few conscious hours that we have together are mostly filled with household chores, taking care of our child, and watching an episode or two of our latest Netflix show that takes twice as long to get through because of a fussy newborn. The only way for us to spend any quality time together is if we stay up later, but that of course adds to the sleep deprivation.
Speaking of sleep deprivation, let's talk about those night feedings that every new parent dreads. I have personally always had issues sleeping, so I've always been able to function on little sleep. James, on the other hand, very much needs his sleep to be a functioning member of society. If you have (or have had) a newborn, you know that they need to eat every three to four hours. It usually takes a few months (hopefully not longer?!) before your baby is sleeping "through the night", which is really just 6-7 hours at a time. If you're a breast-feeding mom... GODSPEED. I tried to do all of the night feedings on my own for the first 2 weeks, and I was a zombie. I don't know how you do it but I am in awe.
Luckily for our family, we are now a bottle-feeding formula household (see my previous posts for my struggle of coming to that decision) which means that James can help! We try to take shifts throughout the night, but my mama brain refuses to let me sleep even when it's not my turn to feed (I don't have my fiancé's superpower of falling asleep and staying asleep in seconds). But that doesn't stop me from begging James to take a shift so I can lay there with my eyes closed. So between my insomnia, the not-so-soothing sounds of my one-month-old working up some gas all night long, and the nighttime feedings... at times it feels like I never even fall asleep. Because of that, my poor fiancé has to deal with an extremely grumpy and overly exhausted Alison at 3:00am who is trying to soothe a very gas-filled fussy baby. Some nights, it could be a sitcom.
All that aside, I love my son and I love my fiancé. But whoever said having a baby would be easy and the best time of your life... y'all suck. My little one-month-old dictator makes life extremely challenging and exhausting. But that little smile and those endless cuddles make it all worth it. And knowing that this stage of parenthood is temporary helps. A LOT. I am looking forward to having a 3 month old. Or a 6 month old. Or whenever it is that he decides he can sleep at night and not have to be held by mama 24/7.
Fellow mamas and papas... hang in there! And for those of you having marital issues and are thinking of having a kid to "fix" the marriage... DO NOT DO IT. Go to therapy or just get the divorce, don't put yourselves and that child through misery. It will not end well for anyone.
And babe... thanks for putting up with me and for everything you do for our little monkey and me. Even when I'm arguing with you, know that I appreciate you and see what you sacrifice for us. I love you!
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