Self-image.
Did you cringe reading that term? If you didn't, kudos to you. But I know of so many women postpartum who know exactly what I'm talking about.
Before pregnancy, I was someone who was constantly ridiculed by those around me for mentioning my dissatisfaction with my weight/appearance. You see, my weight as an adult had always stayed within the 115-125 lbs. range. Now you may look at those numbers and laugh, but body dysmorphia is very much a thing that far too many women suffer from. At that weight, I was barely eating and my favorite meal was a chicken caesar salad (which only included chicken because as a teenager my mom told me it was the only way I was allowed to eat salad as my main meal). When I was a band director, I'd go to the gym at 5:00am and would say awful things about my appearance on the days I decided to sleep in. While I wasn't watching what I ate, I was constantly obsessing over how much I was eating... to make sure it balanced out. The day my weight range moved from 110-115 lbs. to 120-125 lbs. due to being placed on synthetic thyroid hormones, I was beside myself. How was I supposed to live with myself knowing that I'd gained 10 lbs. in days all because I had to have a thyroidectomy, and that there was nothing I could do about that weight? Well, eventually I got used to being "heavier than I'd like to be".
And then I got pregnant.
I will say that throughout the majority of the pregnancy, my mental health was fairly stable. It took a long time for me to gain significant weight, I think I'd actually lost a few pounds in the beginning... so I was happy with my progress. And once I'd gotten to the point where I was 20 lbs. heavier than pre-pregnancy, I started drilling into my mind that the weight was all baby and that I have to keep eating to keep my unborn child alive. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to convince yourself at 27 that you need to eat when you're someone who would go all day without eating at times. By the end of the pregnancy I had gained 35 lbs. The new stretch marks on my breasts, hips, and bottom may have made me cry a time or two (okay much more than that) but I kept reminding myself I was creating life. It served it's purpose. It was hard but I survived, lol.
And then I had my baby.
One of the things I was really looking forward to about breastfeeding was the rumor that it helps you shed pounds quickly. And it was true! Less than a month postpartum, I only had 10 lbs. more to lose to return to my pre-pregnancy weight. I may not have been able to fit into my old clothes just yet but the pounds were falling off and I was feeling better about myself.
But then I stopped breastfeeding (see previous posts).
When I tell you the weight loss stopped immediately, I mean immediately. To the point where I ended up gaining a few pounds back. My fellow new mamas know how those first few months can be, where you're lucky to even shovel a few bites of food in your mouth at all because you're too busy doing a thousand other baby-related things to keep track of yourself. You get it. So how in the world was I gaining weight? That had to be the most frustrating part... barely eating and still gaining weight. Cue the return of the body dysmorphia.
I would've loved to work out but I wasn't cleared for activities yet (yes, all activities) and we're in the middle of a pandemic so I can't go to a physical gym. And once I was healed the weather changed, making it too cold to go on walks/runs with my little one.
So alas here I am, 12-15 lbs. too heavy to fit into my old clothes and wearing my fiancé's pants. It is what it is. He, of course, tells me I look amazing & that he absolutely loves where the weight went (boys will be boys), so that's comforting to hear daily. But I will always have that tiny voice in my head that says "you look horrible". But luckily for me, I've become quite good at ignoring. :)
Ladies... whether your postpartum body is 5 lbs. heavier or 30 lbs. heavier, just know this: You are beautiful. You created life. You are daily sustaining another life. You are a superhero. But your feelings of your appearance are also valid, regardless of what others may say. Be kind to yourself. It will get better with time.
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